95 Percent

So I've come to the conclusion that, in my writing, like in life, I offend and overstep my bounds. While I certainly don't endeavor to do so, as a person of strong opinion, it's inevitable. I feel like a blog is meant to be one of those rare oasis-like places where anything goes. Ayn Rand-ian, perhaps, but whatever. My writing is my writing. I make "impassioned arguments," as one of my delightful coworkers said to me today. She's right. I get impassioned from time to time. 95 percent of the time, however; I just don't care.

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When I was in high school, my economics professor talked about something he called the "emotional pendulum." Essentially, if you invest a lot of emotion into something, that pulls the pendulum too far to the left or right, thus creating the equal reaction on the opposite end of things. Which, of course, will cut your ass in half once it gets to swinging enough.

Suffice to say, during my engagement, my emotional pendulum was all over the fucking place. I was a mess. We loved, we hated, we shouted, we cried, we laughed. It was insane. I look back at myself now and think I was the sappiest douche this side of the Mason-Dixon. It was a mistake. That Rob was weak.

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As I've gotten to a point where I can actually look back at those times dispassionately, I can see things far more clear than I ever could. I know I'm a total monster most of the time. I invest little to nothing in new people because deep down, I know they won't be worth it in the end. There are some notable exceptions of great new folks I've met over the past year or two that are genuine delights, however; most, not so much.

I feel like this is a serious issue. The inability to invest in others, I mean. I drive my girlfriend crazy because of this. She's an amazing girl who puts up with my maniacal nonsense. To that same point, my ex, the same thing. If I'm not holding a grudge or feeling slighted in some way, I'm not taking anything seriously and giggling like a goofball. There's no in-between. This affects my writing, especially this blog.

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When I write, I feel like I look like this. In reality, I know it's more like this.

I think that, overall, if my writing is incendiary in any way, or that the things I say strike a chord, that could be a good thing. It means only that you are sane, that you have something you value and that you're a contributor to society. These are good things. Could be good things, anyway, I guess. Whatever. In the end, I know that I'm not a great person, but I make folks around me laugh, I'd fight and die for my niece and nephew and I'd give every last penny I have to charity. I don't much care what people think of me because the friends I have have known me since I was a youngster, they know I'm out of my mind and get a kick out of it (hopefully).

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I'm not going to censor myself or my blog. Not again. Rock and roll. Deal with it. From time to time, these entries will be incendiary. Most of the time, they'll be exercises or news pieces I don't have an outlet for. That's what "Rob On Kinja" is. An outlet.

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